nap problems

I become tired sometimes and decide to take a nap.

Sometimes, the result is this:

Other times, the result is this:

Scientifically, the best amount of time for a nap is 15-20 minutes, 1.5 hrs, or a full night. Anecdotally, this is what happens when I nap:

People are always coming up with those rhymes to remember what not to do (i.e. beer before liquor). I always thought they were pretty mediocre. Here's an equally mediocre one for sleeping:

swimsuit shopping never works

At the end of every summer, swimsuits go on sale, and I decide it is a good idea to go swimsuit shopping.

Nevermind that I rarely go swimming, or that I live more than four hours away from any beach. Swimsuits are on sale! Time to finally buy a swimsuit that fits!

Until I realize…

THERE IS NO SWIMSUIT THAT FITS.

The longer you try on swimsuits, the worse it gets.

This can be quantified by graph:

Unless you manage to find a good swimsuit at the apex of the graph above, you are basically doomed to not find anything at all. Even if you do find something, staring at yourself critically in the mirror for hours will cause you to think it looks terrible.

Solution? I suggest carrying around one of those those funhouse mirrors. Then you will ALWAYS look good.

cake spectrum

I like making cakes. Here is a picture of a cake I made one time.

Cakes are fun. I like everything about them, from designing the flavors to playing with the leftover batter in the sink like a five year old before I wash everything. Designing the flavors, though, is arguably more difficult than playing with batter in the sink. Luckily, people's taste in dessert generally follows their taste in normal food.

I tend to think of food as lying on a spectrum of low-fat and crunchy to high-fat and creamy.

Normal foods look like this:

Desserts look like this:

You can use someone's taste in normal foods and other desserts to figure out what they might like in a cake.

For example, my mom is a low-fat liking person who likes crunchy textures. This means she likes salads, hard candy, and crispy cookies like tuiles. Since there is no crunchy kind of cake, the kind of cake she likes is the lowest fat cake (sponge cake) with the least creamy frosting (Chantilly cream, a lightly sweetened whipped cream). If possible, it is great to dress it with fresh fruit.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, loves peanut butter based foods, as well as macaroni and cheese. In terms of cake, it is smart to get him a cake that is fairly higher-fat. However, I know he does not like completely creamy textures (he does not go for non-chocolate puddings such as creme brulee or panna cotta). So, I usually go with a torte or molten chocolate cake for him, with a chocolate ganache or a fruit glaze for contrast. I can also make a light chocolate sponge cake, but I have to fill it with a heavier frosting such as buttercream. German chocolate cake can also be a good compromise.

Cake math is really fun. Try asking your friends what food they like, and see if it corresponds to desserts! It actually works fairly often.

pet optimization does not work

I enjoy optimization, but I am not good at accounting for all of the variables. A hilarious exhibition of my non-optimal optimization skills occurred last year, when it was suggested that I get an animal for my one bedroom apartment.

It was hard to choose a pet. When animals are easy to take care of, they are not very entertaining. When they are hard to take care of, they are much more fun, but also more stressful. If you don't have unlimited time, it's hard to get a fun animal.

The relationship indicated by this scatter plot is shown in the best fit line below:

Cuttlefish, an outlier, has been eliminated.

If no other reason, I liked cats because they were very close to the origin of this graph, optimizing enjoyability and ease of care.

I decided to get a cat.

After further research about the different breeds of cats, I realized that felines have many variables that can be optimized to one's lifestyle. At the time, I decided that the primary three were level of shedding (light vs. heavy), coat length (short vs. long) and playfulness (calm vs. active). Here are what I considered to be optimal cat traits for my lifestyle.

I settled on a Devon Rex cat, which had a good deal of playfulness and moderate fluffiness, along with a nice, low-shedding coat.

The Devon Rex is a semi-hairless cat. Although their coat length can be similar to that of a normal cat, they do not have the same kind of long, obtrusive guard hairs that most cats shed when you pet them. Instead, they have a downy coat of soft under-hairs. They are intelligent and playful throughout their lifetimes. A Devon Rex kitten, I thought, would be much easier to care for than other kittens.

Unfortunately, I failed to take into account the "wild card" factor of cats. Cats cannot be optimized. Cats cannot be controlled. They seem to have an uncanny connection to the karmic element of the universe. Attempt to control a cat, and they lash out to destroy your well-laid plans. I tried to obtain a cat, because cats are fairly low maintenance. This is partially because I enjoy sleeping, and had been told repeatedly that cats also enjoy sleeping.

Unfortunately, my cat enjoys the following instead:

This is apparently pretty typical of some cats but not others. This disruptive feline behavior has rendered my pet optimization ineffective. There are too many variables in cats and other animals. From now on, I will stick to optimizing equations.