mushrooms

I have no problem with mushrooms. I think they are delicious and nutritious and even aesthetically pleasing. So I do not know why mushrooms keep making me nauseous when I eat them. It's probably because I am allergic.

But, still, my allergic tendencies have not obscured the greatness of mushrooms. Every time I see mushrooms on a menu, I kind of want to order them. They are really cool and tasty, and often come on a dish that tastes delicious in other ways. When I want to order a dish that might have mushrooms, I weigh the pros and cons.

Usually, reviewing this list leads me to the conclusion that I should not eat mushrooms. But sometimes, a mushroom laden dish just looks too tasty. It looks so tasty that having only one item in the "con" column makes the list feel empirically imbalanced. At these times, I have to think of at least three more reasons to not eat mushrooms in order to make it an even contest.

Here are some reasons I have used in the past.



Mushrooms looks like guys in hats.

Thanks to Disney's Fantasia and the Mario video games, I am constantly anthropomorphizing mushrooms. I just think of them as little guys in hats.

It doesn't help if the mushroom has been cut up. If you cut the mushrooms, it's like a ton of little guys in hats that have been massacred on your plate. :(


Mushrooms make pigs into scary animals.

Pigs are really cute. Generally, I like them. But a truffle mushroom is afraid of pigs, because pigs eat truffles. They hunt them. To a mushroom, a pig and its owner is a terrifying hunting dog and an impassive master. Mushrooms, you have ruined my image of pigs.

To a mushroom, a pig apparently looks like a dragon.

Mushrooms look like houses.


When I was a kid, I thought that fairies lived in mushrooms. So every time I go to eat a mushroom, my inner child thinks I am contributing to fairy eviction. Somewhere out there, there is fairy standing at her address, surprised to find herself entirely homeless.

These three reasons allow me to balance out my pro and con list.

Confronted by the ideas of mushrooms as people or houses, and pigs as evil, evil creatures, even the tastiest mushroom dish doesn't seem worth it.

Sometimes, I still feel grumpy about missing out on mushrooms. I comfort myself by drawing pictures. Like the one below.

But the mushrooms do not thank you, all you non-allergic people. They do not thank you at all.